Tales and Tails of Nehr-e-Khayyam - Episode 9
Happiness
& Murder
“What makes you happy? What really is
happiness?” asked Doggo while licking Naalaito (Haw?!? You don’t know what that
is? Really? Refer to episode 7 please).
Kuttay turned around, took a deep breath
and exhaled for what seemed like eternity and said, “Happiness is the smell of
a book, a walk in an art shop … it is the smell of a freshly mopped floor, or knowing
that there is sufficient water available in a water scarce society. Happiness
is being able to witness the sunrise and also the sunset as it goes down the
horizon … and being at the beach at the same time … and listening to the sounds
of the crashing waves, that’s happiness! Happiness is a long walk in the forest
and being able to clear your head as you walk, soaking your senses in petrichor.
And … ah! Dessert … dessert is true love! Anything that can be defined as true
love is happiness, though everlasting love does not exist; that my friend, you
must bear in mind. Everything has an EXPIRY DATE. And of course, a cuppa hot
coffee is happiness, although coffee prices are skyrocketing too which means that’s
a paradoxical situation. Democracy as you will see does not want us to be
happy! It wants to rate us … and so far it has rated us as third class citizens
… they’ve done this to humans and let’s not even forget that we are dogs …”
Having found Doggo dozing off after this
long lecture, Kuttay was infuriated and kicked him so hard that he went spiraling
down in Nehr-e-Khayyam; for a moment it was as if he’s got wings. “Go say hello
to the mermaids!” said Kuttay, already disgruntled about foreign tourists being
able to avail this facility just because they were paying in Dollars and
helping the county earn foreign exchange.
Within seconds, Doggo resurfaced
panicking his life out. “Looks like you’ve seen a ghost. I’m certain it wasn’t
a mermaid that would have freaked you out. So tell me what thwarted thee,”
enquired Kuttay.
“I think I saw a dead human, there was
handsfree tied around his neck with words written in blood on his shirt that
read something about the victim and his WhatsApp voice notes!” explained Doggo.
“What was the colour of his blood?”
asked Kuttay, “How come it didn’t get washed out? Who can commit murder in such
a heavily monitored society?” He was of course, flabbergasted and moved by such
a rare crime.
“I think the colour kept changing as if
the murder had been committed by the Canterville Ghost (Oscar Wilde), this time,
along the banks of Nehr-e-Khayyam!!!” said Doggo, trying to make sense of it
all.
“Once upon a time, especially in the
90s, dead bodies used to be packed in sacks. Now who would dump a human in the
absence of proper packaging? Is this the extent of going plastic free now?”
mentioned Kuttay in a manner of a rhetorical question. No-bhai-no-sack-situation
seemed much thought provoking indeed, as Kuttay read out Oscar Wilde’s words
aloud:
“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in
the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to
silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive
life, to be at peace ...”
Given the crystal clear water of
Nehr-e-Khayyam, one could see the dead body conspicuously lying in its depths.
Both dogs alerted the authorities about what they saw as they whimpered all
doe-eyed and pointed towards the perished human. As a reward, they were given a
Naalaito each, although it was no longer a prized possession post imports of
organic tomatoes from Iran. Iran really did rescue the helpless chicken karhai for
us Pakistanis, didn’t it? Irani petrol was already routing its way in
Balochistan through grey channels, this time all channels were up for some
tomato loving.
The next day Naala Leaks’ front
page brandished the headline, blatantly mentioning: “Dead body found in NeK,
Cause of death cited as sending countless WhatsApp voice notes”
Apparently the murderer, a rather
frustrated ‘routine based person’ had left a waterproof, hand written note,
explaining why they did what they did. This included being sent unnecessary and
daily dozen voice notes on WhatsApp when typing could have been a better
alternative and thus questioned whether the now-dead-person didn’t have fingers
to type. Hence, all his fingers were missing to prove that he really had no
other option than to send voice notes and the murderer had no other option than
to murder him as he/she felt their personal workspace being invaded through
voice notes which could have been typed notes instead … not-such-a-LOL-situation
now! The offender therefore thought it wise to asphyxiate the victim with their
own handsfree that was used to listen to those good-for-nothing voice notes. The
person also expressed remorse for parting ways with an original handsfree.
“Remember, Doggo … everything has an
expiry date, every relationship too has it besides having its limits to begin
with. God knows what this person’s relationship with the victim was but it
seems profound,” said Kuttay, “Sometimes relationships expire while two people
are still living while other times, these have quite a posthumous disposition,
meaning only death parts them and ends relationships.”
“You sound like a writer today; it seems
as if Naala Leaks will designate for you a column on a weekly basis for stories
under ‘Murder he wrote’ or ‘Murder his canine-ness wrote.”
“You are too naïve to understand life,
my friend,” said Kuttay, “Just remember what Charles Bukowski explained - "What
makes a man a writer?" "Well," I said, "it's simple. You
either get it down on paper, or jump off a bridge.”
Oh god, this is hilarious! I couldn't stop imagining you as 'Kuttay'... :p I pity the listener of those whatsapp voice notes. The chronicles of Nek XX
ReplyDeleteHahahahah! Sometimes WhatsApp gets to you.
Delete