Showing posts with label Poli-Ticks & Satire. Show all posts

Dunya News reveals Imran Khan’s Rebellious Secret




Dunya News took the courage to step ahead of the media clutter to reveal Mr. Khan’s secret once and for all. It wasn’t until today that the nation got to know his reality, thanks to the reporting team and the highly alert studios awaiting this perfect moment to trap the culprits.

Pervaiz Khattak and Jehangir Tareen were caught red handed on camera while smuggling breakfast to Imran Khan’s container; the TV channel’s BREAKING NEWS increased ratings as the entire nation stayed glued to their TV sets, gawking at the unbelievably shocking lines being flashed, the translation of which is as follows:

“Included in Imran Khan’s breakfast were omelette, milk, bread, butter, jam, and mangoes etcetera.”

However, it’s still somewhat unclear as to what they meant by a deadly combination of ‘jaam aur aam’ while accusing the politicians and signaling two meanings as the word ‘jaam’ could either mean jam or even a politician’s choice of the much needed energy drink. It was very inhumane of Imran Khan and his team to not to offer Dunya New's outdoor team some breakfast as it kept drooling at the sight of this extremely ELITE menu. “Who eats eggs, bread and butter in this golden democratic era of PMLN’s democrazy!?” questioned the reporter.

Meanwhile, PMLN has planned a nationwide protest as a result of this breakfast while fearing the cannibalization of their branded breakfast menu inclusive of Nihari Paey. “We are tigers with Nihari flowing in our veins,” said Mr. Sharif, “and therefore, breakfast should remain democratic, we will go to any extent possible to protect the identity of our Khoon League!”

Maulana Diesel on the other hand was found to have tampered with cooking oil by providing diesel to fry the eggs in (as told by eyewitnesses) while the bread was purchased from Mamnoon Hussain’s stall who sells dahi baray at a nearby Azadi camp in the evening. The green and red stall embellished with a crescent and star has got ‘future historic’ words printed in bold typography (Sans Serif), “GO NAWAZ GO”.

Dunya News' news casters were surprised to notice crockery being used for this special breakfast as it appeared to be against the decorum of a political gathering, provided they use their bare hands as plates, both news casters voiced their concerns at the use of crockery. Watch the breaking news.

It cannot be ignored that the omellette being served was prepared from eggs laid by special chickens of Bani Gala; this uniquely spectacular breed of corporate branded chickens have green and red plumage, PTI’s corporate colours and the eggs that they lay are also of the same colour combination. “These eggs have a hard shell like our opponent’s head but it’s very soft from inside like his brains,” mentioned an emotional supporter, although these words were censored considering the next level insult, Dunya News didn’t let go of this information either.

The number of eggs laid is directly proportional to the rate of ‘GO NAWAZ GO’ being jeered; rumour has it that the Azadi Poultry Farm is a conspiracy to attack the opposition with eggs one day. Using Princess Diana’s example to avenge people, PTI workers will be aiming opponents’ vehicles with Naya Pakistan eggs and sprinkling flour following which the climate will play it’s role (trust me, Princess Diana’s avenging style is real but it was at a time when she was just a teenager). Some have likened it to Zubaida Aapa’s ‘rebellious tips for an undemocratic democracy’.

The poultry farm that is abode to these favourite chickens has been breeding rebellious chicks, a collection of which could serve as a ticking time bomb as they have a transparent approach towards undomesticated politics.

Imran Khan has refused to consume any other type of egg as he insists on having PTI branded eggs only and prefers bread sold by the president as revenues of sasti roti (cheap bread) contribute to a certain province. However, the situation is expected to aggravate as the Supreme Court has taken suo moto notice of having breakfast.

Please! Oh please stay with Dunya News for more intellectually breaking news! It’s attempt at competing with the most watched sitcom, Bulbulay might have failed miserably but there's always a second chance.

'Naashta aa nahi raha ... Naashta aa chukaa hai! :)
Poli-Ticks & Satire
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Saudi Arabia regrets the Export of Faulty Nawaz Sharif and plans to have it recalled








 The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has regretted the decision to export Nawaz Sharif and it’s entire Sharif product line to Pakistan following which the economy has faced a sudden downturn as a result of senseless Nihari Paey in the democratic menu. However, Pakistan expects good news as this product came with a 2 year warranty, returnable to Saudi Arabia so that it could to be used as political scrap or democratic by-product in case of malfunctioning.

The country of exile origin has planned to have it recalled soon but fears pollution because of Sharif returning as it no longer seems to serve their purpose and comes with an entire package of failure and leech like attributes. The sequence of events have unfolded at a time when the ban on marrying Pakistanis has recently been imposed knowing that you marry one and he/she could come with an entire truckload of ‘khaandaan’ (family and extended family and pets, especially in case of the Sharifs … so unlike their family name eh?).

Moreover, all attempts of image building, personification and value addition have failed as witnessed regarding Nawaz Sharif, an example of which is the popular hair transplant, no matter what style ‘it’ makes with it’s fake hair it’s still regarded by the value title, ‘Gunja’ (further nicknamed, ‘Baldie’). Knowing that Sharif is undoubtedly a downward stretch to brand Pakistan, any extension strategy applied would not at all be beneficial and it’s in the best interest of the country to completely divest it thus taking it off shelf, considering that it always rots before it’s 5 year expiry duration.

It should be known that repackaging and relaunch turned out to be futile and extremely costly, that too to Pakistan’s economy. “I still remember that day. It was October 12, 1999 and Baldie started misbehaving. He kept on fooling with the plane’s remote control despite knowing that I was inside it. I had told him several times to AVOID touching risky gadgets but he just won’t listen,” fumed his assumed step dad, Mr. Pervez Musharraf while enjoying his Cuban cigar, “actually it’s not entirely his fault, information passes into his head through osmosis and evaporates through a much faster pace because of the direct penetration of sunlight. Interestingly enough, the hair transplant hasn’t helped; you see … packaging doesn’t always change the product inside.” Musharraf’s strategy of prioritizing Pakistan’s interest over self-interest wasn’t understood by this immature product.

Saudi Arabia is also considering a second option, that is, instead of getting the Sharif’s  back home, the officials might banish them and dump them on the island that emerged near Gawadar following a catastrophic earthquake. Since the island still exists unclaimed, it might serve this urgent purpose.

After killing an endangered Siberian Tiger in the election campaign last year, the Sharif’s indirectly communicated their selfishness that ended up costing humans lives too till this date. Time and again while proving that they are the Sheikhs’ pet rocks, Sharifs felt an obligation to serve the Saudi Prince at the cost of Pakistan’s economy, it’s people and it’s ENDANGERED wildlife, thus, allowing Price Fahd bin Sultan bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud to hunt down 2,100 birds including 123 unique bustards (true story, I’m not making this up). This resulted in a public backlash that started addressing these notorious Sharif’s by an obnoxious word, simply explained, to mention this word, one has to replace the ‘u’ in bustard by an ‘a’.

As Nawaz Sharif calls out to Pakistan’s big daddy, the great Army for help, this product is sinking in a ship being pulled down by it’s own weight, apparently gravity affects heavier objects more efficiently, nothing is always as light as Newton’s apple. The side effects of this government’s corruption, election rigging and endless stupidity have been the revolutionary protests still awaiting a miracle and some revolution, people repeatedly calling this product ‘Gunja’ (because of it’s absence of self-respect) and public jeering, ‘Go Nawaz Go!’.

Saudi intervention helped this family of failed product line reacquire governance once but things appear bleak now that it’s unnecessarily occupying shelf space, all attempts of cross subsidization have miserably failed. History has an interesting way to repeating itself but Pakistan is once bitten, twice shy and shy in a rebellious way this time.
Poli-Ticks & Satire
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“Tigers of the Jungle unite over Defamation by PMLN Government”





For Immediate Release

Karachi – August 30, 2014: All tigers of the local jungle have united to carry out a revolutionary movement against the democrazilly elected government of poor Pakistan. What became the cause of furor were Mr. Hamza Shahbaz Sharif’s words in a recent political gathering of paid protestors. “Nawaz Sharif has tiger blood in him!” he bellowed. This was enough to wake the wild animals inside the animals, the tigers.

Other tigers of neighbouring jungles are also pouring into this gathering aiming for a great cause. Not only are they demanding an apology but also a DNA test to prove Mr. Sharif’s blood type and his identity. Meanwhile, Pakistani humans have been complaining about their pets’ sudden rebellious nature and bites for a taste of their blood. Every sunset and sunrise has been witnessing strange sounds from domestic and zoo animals together, what sounded like a uniformly pitched roaring chorus was later translated by Pakistan Animal Welfare Society (PAWS) as “Go Nawaz go! --- Go! Go! Go! --- Ho! Ho! Ho! --- Yo! Yo! Yo! Go Nawaz go!”

“This derogatory remark is a conspiracy to defame our race and to spark hatred for us among the wildlife enthusiasts,” explained the tiger spokesanimal, Sher Shah Zaroori, “First they kill our endangered cousin, the Siberian White Tiger then they start calling us names. Apparently their ludicrous election campaign last year was more important than our Taya ki Aulaad that got consumed by Lahore’s heat. We hope they go through the same pain and humiliation, which they would eventually as a result of our vicious response!” 

The entire wildlife stands united to support the tiger family and help rebuild the now tarnished image of this species. “We have no blood relations with humans in any capacity, especially the corrupt human politicians. If our demands are not met within 48 hours we will unleash the hunger within! We are animals of our words, therefore, there shall be no new deadline,” explained Sher Dil, The Wildlife Media Relations Officer, “Mr. Sharif along with nephew Sharif must be exiled to the jungle for 30 days without any camping equipment. This is not a picnic and should be taken very seriously. They are no hybrid versions and provided the allegations of them not being such turn out to be true, they should step down and replace the parliament with human beings,” said he while stressing the need for wildlife reputation building, all tigers have demanded the removal of all wildlife from the parliament and assemblies.

So far all negotiation attempts have failed and tiger protestors have already entered the Buffalo Zone.
Poli-Ticks & Satire
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Uses of ‘Mamnoon Hussain’






In the wake of the most efficient president that Pakistan has ever witnessed, his name is gaining popularity as it can now be related to a number of factors. For now all you need to know is that Mamnoon Hussain is a proper noun and must be treated as such, he is no common man because a common man is always active in whatever he does to earn a living.

Behold! Whenever democracy becomes Mamnoon Hussain, it creates room for another Musharraf, one should not complain about the interference of the Army knowing that it is always in the nation’s best interest (no harm in assuming ... by hook or by crook). Army happens, for it’s quite happening and worthy of controlling affairs, whenever siblings fight with each other and try bringing the home to shambles, it’s daddy who spanks them and goes on rebuilding that particular home.

Anyway, the current president is so absent from every sphere of the presidency that even I forgot that I was writing about him. It’s a proud moment for the entire country that Pakistan Studies will now have syllabus updates for the year 2030, students who used to cry tears of patriotism while struggling to memorise the 14 points of the Quaid-e-Azam will have their generations studying about the revolutionary movements in 2014, ‘There is always something about the number, 14’ said a history teacher. Nor the Azaadi March neither the Inquilaab March will help innocent brains in curbing their memory rebellion though having brought about momentum in the nation that was once mistaken to be asleep. While the syllabus update was being proposed, educationists initially resisted thinking that facts were being replaced by the element of fiction thus triggering students’ imagination in the future. However, they had to be convinced that though it’ll take time but facts will have to be discovered for a question like:

‘Discuss the role of President Mamnoon Hussain in the last and final reign of PMLN. How many years after the revolutionary protests did he get to know about them? Support your answer with examples. [20 Marks]

The importance of this question should not be undermined as historians have termed it to be misleading considering past benchmarks. ‘Facts are not dinosaurs that they need to be discovered!’ exclaimed an educationist. ‘For now sir, you will have to discover them and they are all dinosaurs trapped in the parliament,’ justified another.

The committee comprising of several educationists had to be brought on the same page with respect to the harsh reality that will become a sensational history hence the concept of GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out) is applicable here. In another instance, some historians decided to switch from their profession and vowed to become fiction writers knowing that they would at least become best sellers taking account of the current situation and future education. For instance, the question below made them question the credibility of contribution by ghosts in politics and eventually history:

‘Elaborate on the significance of the slogans, ‘Zinda hai BB Zinda hai’ and ‘Har ghar sey Bhutto niklay ga!’. In the wake of this political association in the afterlife, shed light on the contribution of ghosts in the prosperity of Pakistan.’ [25 marks … answer in detail, else prepare to FAIL]
Oh My God! The word Mamnoon Hussain slipped out of my mind once again just like politicians forget their nation here; it’s very much like him though. Meanwhile, rumour (but it’s true) has it that Thesaurus is considering including the proper noun, Mamnoon Hussain as a new term, the synonyms of which will be, ‘absent’, ‘invisible’, ‘sleeping’, ‘unknown’, ‘ghost’, ‘puppet etcetera. However, it’s feared that this will turn into a spam word/term and users will be further confused about it’s significance and use and this would eventually lead to a negative impact on the society. Though superficially meaningless, the president will make great history.

The name is also being used locally with great pride. Knowing the limited supply of gas, water and electricity and their loadshedding, people can now relate more to the meaning and contribution of Mamnoon Hussain throughout the country. Whenever, the power is cut off, Pakistani’s compare it’s shortfall and absence with Mamnoon Hussain, or say that ‘water has become Mamnoon Hussain in the taps’ or that they can’t cook because gas has beome Mamnoon Hussain once again.
Mamnoon Hussain!  Mamnoon Hussain! Mamnoon Hussain! This is everywhere in Pakistan now and the rate of it’s (the name of course, not the person, therefore ‘it’) use is now attributed to the gentleman’s popularity! 

And that’s all people! History likhee ja nahi rahee, History likee ja chuki hai! (History is not being written, history has already been written).
Poli-Ticks & Satire
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Mangoes to Boycott Growth post Live TV Insult




All Pakistan Mangoes Association


For Immediate Release  

Karachi – July 24, 2014: All varieties of mangoes throughout Pakistan have decided to become invisible soon and to boycott their growth in the country over the span of the coming year. This comes at a time when the mango stock is at the verge of being completely consumed and when people buy the last few kilograms as a prized possession.

Witnessing their insult in a Ramzan cum reality cum obscenely inadequate show, all mangoes observed a day of mourning and decided to become rotten from inside when peeled; half rotten if not completely rotten. “Not once in my life have I seen such an insult to our species!’ said All Pakistan Mangoes Association’s (APMA) President, Aala Chonsa while announcing the boycott, ‘We used to be consumed with respect, by dignified individuals, unlike being shoved into a blender of a mouth by a serial mango psychopath. There is no doubt that the death of intellect in the society produces things like Mr. Liaquat. More shocking is this kind of audience. This is utmost greed and stupidity. In the wake of this recent disaster, we mangoes have refused to grow next year in Pakistan.” 

Further expressing the distress over the host’s rebuttal of mangoes being eaten with spoons by the educated elite, the association conveyed their condolences to mango enthusiasts. Not only did he demean this stratum of the society but he also undermined the less affluent parts of Karachi and Hyderabad, thereby declaring the respective residents to be mango molesters. “We live in Nazimabad and our ancestors have planted mango trees to eat the fruit and respect the blessing sent by God. We, by no means ridicule this gem of a fruit and do not fit into the definition elaborated by this gentleman!” said an angry human participant. 

Munna Anwar Attoul jumped with agony, watching the PG rated clip of the show, “I wonder what his childhood would have been like or has he still not grown yet? Anyway, there's an organisation called Karwan-e-Hayat for 'mentally distressed' people ... not sure if they would take such extreme cases but then again it's challenging to classify the species. This thing is one of it's kind! I hope extinct too as it's already feeling endangered by social media ...” 

The nation has heard of and endured electricity, water and gas load shedding but mango load shedding was never heard of. It has started happening and it’s happening now! It is expected that the losses incurred in the form of lost foreign exchange reserves resulting from potential lack of mango exports will be demanded to be compensated by Mr. Liaquat, the failure of which might result in a ban (*sigh we wish*) on the show which attracts a lack of SELF RESPECT through a mere drizzling of gifts/prizes.

Infant mangoes have been having nightmares ever since the blend-through-demise of the their healthy mango relative. They have been dreaming of a monster that yells, ‘Aam khayeyga Aam?!’ and have been found waking up wetting the fruit basket!
Poli-Ticks & Satire
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