Tales and Tails of Nehr-e-Khayyam - Episode 11
Human stupidity & Grandma used to say …
“Human stupidity is asymptomatic and at times the test
for rumours reveal the extent of its positivity,” mentioned Kuttay, “Quite a
lot of them buffoons think that their bodies are precious enough that they will
carry a monetary worth after they expire, something the government is
collecting to undercut the country’s debt in exchange. The human superiority
complex index may be the highest of all times in 2020. Ever heard the term
‘herd immunity’? It’s actually herd stupidity that you see. For instance
shopoholics have flocked outside non-essential item stores in the UK as they
started opening up. Actually Imran Khan had told them that you white folks need
not worry about it … ghabrana nahi hai etcetera and they listened to him. He is
to be blamed for the prevailing global stupidity. YES! He is the one.”
“What do you mean, Kuttay?” asked Doggo innocently, “Are
humans going to self-destruct and let us live in peace then?”
“Self-destruct, they will … let you live in peace they
will not. The new normal comes with the old normal attached as well. Let’s not
forget that we are dogs … pye-dogs.” Explained Kuttay.
Both sat on the COVID Jetty, formerly known as the
‘Gharbrana nahi hai jetty’, watching the sun as it went down and stroked the
sky into a master piece. No tourists came now, Khayyam Huts (the huts around
Nehr-e-Khayyam that were built for the Chinese tourists) were deserted, the country’s
foreign exchange reserves were now depleting at an alarming rate and the
mermaids of the water body had started starving. The dogs used to bring scrapes
of food and share whatever they could with them.
The country’s lockdown had been abruptly lifted,
considering the Dark Justice’s order as he saw the entire nation as naked
individuals roaming around and desperately in need of buying clothes. What better
occasion than Eid itself. Now COVID darling was enjoying Eid, post eid! All the
doctors’ efforts went down Nehr-e-Khayyam (well, down the drain) as they
suffocated each of their brain cells wearing their plastic outfits while
serving the critically ill COVID patients. But well, they were part of the WHO
conspiracy weren’t they?
As the evening characteristically darkened, new forms of
plastic pollutants floated and danced along the waves of Nehr-e-Khayyam; the
PPE suits and masks added to the list of new items polluting water bodies. The
Great Pacific Patch was to become greater and eventually the greatest …
“Oh look! N 95, that too with a filter! Oh I’m gonna grab
this expensive beauty and pretend to be a pretentious human, of course with the
exception of doctors who actually need to wear these! I’m gonna be a
PRETENTIOUS human, baby! I’m gonna kick and cull them loser doggies!” exclaimed
Doggo with joy.
“Hey! Hey! Control your doggy excitement for a change!
For all that you know, it may be contaminated with human germs. So far no human
has contracted this virus from dogs and instead passed it on to cats, you never
know they may be able to pass on their filthy germs to us also. And don’t
forget that you are a dog, although less dignified.” said Kuttay.
“Oh but … but … okay …” whimpered Doggo and rolled into
Kuttay’s half knitted sweater.
“Where did you get this mermaid and dolphin fair isle
knitting from? Oh it’s lovely!” he asked.
“Well it was my grandma’s master piece. She knitted this
during a mermaid and dolphin watching tour at Charna Island with her owner. She
kept watching them beauties and kept knitting them into what could have been a
sweater but she was culled by the human race a few days after that,” said
Kuttay as he felt a lump in his throat and swallowed hard, “Her owner often
used to take her to the island to play fetch with the mermaids until one day
Big Brother felt the need for a secret service installation and cordoned off
the entire island. They’re working on a vaccine and carrying tests on those
poor mermaids. They deserved better. It’s a shame really.”
“Okay I didn’t hear this!”
“Good boy, Doggo! And you won’t tell this to anyone
either.” Kuttay knew Doggo well enough not to trust him with secrets but he was
too frustrated to care anymore.
“You know Grandma always used to say that it’s hard to
survive in a human’s world and that one should be loyal to himself first than
any human. That is what defines character … you never know when you would be
kicked out or culled. You never know when you are no longer needed and
considering what we are, we were never needed by the society in the first place.”
“My mama always used to say that life is like a box of
chocolates. You never know what you are going to get …” expressed Doggo almost
dreamily.
“Your mama can’t possibly say that unless she was Forrest
Gump. Stop binge watching movies that you can’t tell your mama and your
favourite actors apart!” chuckled Kuttay.
“During grandma’s time, convent schools used to teach
knitting and embroidery, among other skills to both boys and girls, unlike the
screen infestation among children these days … loser human kids.” lambasted Kuttay.
Doggo was taken aback. “But it’s humans you are talking
about, Grandma belonged to our species didn’t she, or was she a shape shifter
perhaps?”
“Oh actually … Grandma’s owner went to a convent school
and passed on these skills to her.”
“You had said culled. Did your grandma get culled?”
“Yes!!! That is exactly what happened to Grandma which is
why she left the sweater half done which I now use as a blanket. You can see that I am trying to complete it,”
explained Kuttay, “She was put down as human authorities mistook her to be a
stray dog … she had a habit of wandering off randomly and got a taste of her
outgoing demeanour. She had a terrible sweet tooth; it was given a poisoned
gulab jamun that she hogged onto. She loved going for adventure trips with
pye-dogs outside!”
Doggo was all ears, “I can’t imagine a well fed dog going
for a random gulab jamun. Oh what a shame. But then she was pye-ously social
wasn’t she? Oh naughty! Naughty!”
“Well … she took orders from her sweet tooth before
taking any from her imbecile human owners. She told me that once she had an
awful cupcake craving in the middle of the night and broke into a bakery where
she stuffed her face with at least half a dozen chocolate cupcakes.”
Doggo gasped. “I’ll be damned!” he said, “But chocolates
could be fatal to our existence.”
“Of course … the culprit passed out right there and then
not because of chocolate, well because it wasn’t authentic to begin with but
because of the high sugar content. She was handed over to her owners who then
grounded her for a week.”
The stray dogs’ canine freedom got compromised with the
ease in the lockdown, they could no longer play hide and seek during the day
and scare human kids away along the banks of Nehr-e-Khayyam or elsewhere. People
had started visiting malls and markets in large numbers, defying all standard
operating procedures, even those who spat while speaking were slapped by the virus
before being hugged by it and later ENGULFED by it! But the ones around such
losers were more at risk, especially if they were not wearing masks, eventually
them being losers too. The world was rapidly being annihilated by human
stupidity and there seemed to be no end to it.
“Kuttayyyyyy!” yelled Doggo in excitement. “Kuttay! Look
I got us chum chums! One for you, one for me, and one for Baji Mermaid down the
naala.”
AND THEY ATE!
Famished and caving into the inherited sweet tooth,
Kuttay didn’t inquire about the source of the sweets. All of a sudden Doggo
started foaming around the mouth. To his horror, Kuttay realised what had just
hit them.
“Where on this nasty Earth did you get these chum chums
from?! Oh look at me, Doggo!” pleaded Kuttay.
“Human gave … human bad …” were Doggo’s last words as he
perished in a matter of seconds. Baji Mermaid was also seen flinching in pain as
Kuttay howled in agony, not knowing whether it was physical pain or emotional …
or both. And that was his end too … much like others belonging to his species.
*Percy Faith’s Summer Place played in the background*
Dogs blamed for the spread of virus,
culling spree to continue!
Nehr-e-Khayyam poisoned inadvertently,
mermaids perish!
These were some of the headlines in the next day’s issue
of Naala Leaks … the poor water body went back to its old self eventually …
filthy and polluted.
